So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
