Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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