Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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