It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize