I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
