I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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