Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
