I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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