Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
