I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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