your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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