Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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