you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize