you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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