new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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