update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
