Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
they're like a gay fantastic four
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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