Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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