He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
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