Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
