my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
