I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
