I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
