My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
