Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
