and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
