So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
