Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
