I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
