We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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