just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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