Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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