dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
