Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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