My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
