mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
