dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
