i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
BRING THE BAGELS
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
