I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
