I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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