Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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