end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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