I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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