i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
