I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
