I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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