I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
