I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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