I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
