Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
