I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
