This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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