When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
