Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
FUCK WHALES
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
