I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize