I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
