Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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