You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
