doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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