I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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