I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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